The new girl

She's nice. Very nice.

But before she moved in her twin bed (did I mention she's 23?), her whole family came here to make sure we weren't serial killers. It was sort of like the new roommate process in reverse—Bee, Cee and Ei screened her just as hard before we chose her.
Her mother asked about 100 questions to both Bee and Cee while she cuddled me and carried through every room of the house.

"Do you girls have a lot of men stay over?"
(BEE'S ANSWER: No! Never! THE TRUTH: all the time)
"Do you girls have a lot of parties?"
(BEE'S ANSWER: rarely. THE TRUTH: rarely, but when we do, someone is guaranteed to drink too much, spend the night, or in Aye's case, get evicted).
"What about drinking and drugs?"
(BEE's ANSWER: no drugs, but we do enjoy the occassional glass of wine. THE TRUTH: drugs? you mean the kind you buy from a dealer or the pharmaceutical grade painkillers we can get through Cee? As for wine, see the case sitting in the wine cabinet right now. And the scotch, and the gin and the two bottles of champagne.)

The only reason Bee tolerated the mother's line of questioning was because the mother fell in love for me. She kissed me on the mouth. Three times.

After two hours of small talk, the family finally left The New Girl to herself to unpack.

(Oh I guess we're going to have to give The New Girl a name. In the spirit of keeping a good thing going, she's going to have to be called Gi. That's pronounced GEE. It sounds better than Eff and Gee seems too literal.)

Hey it could be worse. What happens if Bee and I never move out of this place and we have to call someone Queue?

Dee's moving out

I'm sitting in a corner crying while the boxes move from out foyer to a truck outside.
Nothing good will come of today. Not even sunshine nor carob treats. My favorite auntie is leaving me.
London Fling, this is all your fault.

Wednesday

Number of roommates sleeping here: two, plus one houseguest
Number of roommates still living here: three (Dee is all but gone, Cee hasn't slept here in a week. Matter of fact, Cee hasn't slept in New York in a week)
Number of roommates up before 7 AM this morning: two
Number of open bottles of wine on the counter: one
Number of bottles of shampoo in the shower: seven
Number of bottles of Advil in the bathroom: three

I smell trouble. Bee asked the dog walker to come twice today. That means she won't be home to walk me this evening. Meaning she's sleeping out.

Where the heck is she going?

And I don't appreciate not being invited.

In roommate news, the girls picked two potential cohabitants they liked from Sunday's cattle call. But two of them were downright crazy. One walked in wearing a sundress and heels and spoke as if she'd smoked a doobie before coming over. She told us within the first two minutes, "I just got back from the tanning bed. I'm going to Vegas for my 21st birthday!"

No.

The second one was worse, in a manipulative sort of way. First, she had the nerve to walk OVER me without saying hello when she arrived. Then she walked through the apartment like shew owned the place, putting her dirty bag on our kitchen table (which she probably put on the floor of the subway before putting it on the surface where we eat dinner). Then she asked why Dee was moving. We told her because she moved in with her boyfriend.

And then the manhating started.

"Well, hmph! Good luck with that," she said."Next thing you know she'll call you in two months saying, 'can I have my room back, it's not working out."

Ei and Bee looked at each other in horror. How judgemental.

The 36 year old woman continued to talk about her dating horror stories in New York and called her last boyfriend "that piece of shit." "Ugh, no one is good enough for me. Just because I have an MBA from MIT they think that they, like, either can take me for granted because I'm independent or they can't keep up," she declared.

This was all before her asking why we don't charge more for the room. "You could totally get, like, $300 more for that room. You should charge more."

"Why?" Bee said, "So you can pay more, and then talk to Ei and find out how much she pays, and then you get pissed and sue us?"

"Oh, right, I can see how that would be a problem."

We never called her back.

Dare I say

that the girls finally got it together to get a schedule together to find a new roommate. I hear that Sunday they're going to meet six women, and make a decision on who has the privilege of sharing living quarters with me.

Because, as you know, this process is all. About. Me.

Don't think I won't speak up if I don't approve of the chicks, either.

In other news, Cee is in Puerto Rico on vacation with Nee. Big shock. I think the engagement is coming soon.
Dee is downtown with London Fling. Big shock. I think the engagement is coming soon.

Ei and Bee are in their respective rooms. Big shock. I think their engagement is forthcoming, too, since both never see anyone else outside of work and school.

Monsoon

I'll be sitting in this corner all day trying to stay dry. Bee dragged me out of the house this morning in what seemed to me like a rain forest. I did my biz and came right back in.

The roommates still haven't found a replacement for Dee. Have no idea if Bee's going to wait around for Cee and Ei to return to select someone who's got all of their teeth, a regular paycheck and no facial ticks to move in. This process needs to be shored up soon.

Or else, they might ask me to pay the one fourth of the rent that comprises Dee's share.

If that happens, I'm moving in with London Fling.

Wednesday

Number of roommates sleeping here: two. maybe. Cee is still a variable.
Number of roommates sleeping here last night: one. Definitely Cee.
Number of open bottles of wine in kitchen: two
Number of roommates embarking on a twelve step program after being overserved last night and the six nights prior and convinced she's gained ten pounds in that period: one
Number of roommates taking off for Israel and will also probably be overserved for the same time period (though won't probably gain the ten pounds): one
Number of days left to find a new roommate to replace Dee: 19

Hmm

Seems like finding a new roommate is going to be more work than the girls thought. First of all, all four of them are never in the house at the same time, so scheduling appointments has been damn near impossible. Cee's going on vacation from the 17-25, Ei's on vacation from the 9-12, Bee was out the 1-6, because of work commitments and a two night disappearance from the apartment during which I had to sty with the dog walker (still not clear where the heck she was during that time!)

Then, Bee is doing al of the work in terms of making contact with people who've answered the Craigslist.org ad, and she's way too busy during the day to get back to everyone.

And of the three people they had scheduled to come through the apartment on Friday, only one showed up. While the girl was nice, professional, and smart, Ei thought she was trying too hard and didn't particularly care for her.

But she liked me! She let me jump on her white slacks , too, and volunteered to walk me or feed me if she were to move in and get home earlier than Bee. I say, put that girl on the lease!

So as of April 9, they've only got one potential.

Sunday

Number of roommates sleeping here: two
Number of cartons of ice cream in the freezer: one
Number of bottles of wine in the refrigerator: two
Number of takeout bags from local restaurants piled on the kitchen floor: five
Number of roommates who spend $60 at Victoria's Secret gearing up for what was named "return of the mack": one
Number of roommates glued to computer screen at 9:24 PM Sunday night: two

Looks like the process has begun yet again to find another roommate in this house. This is my second time going through this after we had to evict Aye's crazy ass out of here and recruit Ei. That worked out beautifully. Here's hoping we can get someone just as cool for Dee's replacement.

And just in case anyone's asking, my requirements for our future roommate:
Must like wine
Must like dogs
Must have good hours so can be available to walk me when Bee isn't home so I can go see my homeys around the block.
Must like to cuddle on couch
Must NOT have boyfriend, as woudl take too much quality time away from snuggling with me
Must be independently wealthy, so can afford to buy roommates a flat screen tv for family room, new furniture, high-grade dog food for me and wouldn't have to work so can spend all day with me