My new home

-----Original Message-----
From: Hawker
Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 09:49 AM Eastern Standard Time
To: Bee
Subject:

I'm in love with Lucy. I'm kidnapping her. You'll need to look for a
new dog. Thanks.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bee
Sent: Friday, April 25, 2008 10:19 AM
To: Hawker
Subject: RE:

This love affair will last until she poops on your bed.

This wireless message sent via Xpress Mail with GoodLink.
www.cingular.com

On 4/25/08 11:28 AM, "Hawker" wrote:

This morning when I woke up...she was lying on her back in the bed between jose and me with her legs sprawled in the air. Then I took her out to do pee pee and she came back in the house and jumped on the bed and started licking j's face and then curled up with him and went back to bed. You're not getting her back...big mistake dropping her off at my house. I'm moving and changing my number so you can't find me.

Road trippin'

Yesssss!!!!!

Bee has to go out of town for work, so I'm sleeping over at a friend's house! This time, it's our friend, Hawker.
And I know it's going to be a good weekend because the second I got there, he asked if I could sleep in his bed.

Heaven.

We're going to Delaware tomorrow night where the grass is green and there's tons of animals and maybe a little bit of people food.

Bee, I'll miss you like shingles.




P.S. ....to our friend, Cec. We miss you and hope you're doing okay. You're in our thoughts.
Me and Bee.

How I know I'm fat

Me thinks I'm still carrying my Midwest weight.

I thought I had lost a few pounds since returning to the Upper West Side. My cardiovascular activity between trips to the dog run and long walks around the block have increased twofold. But so has my intake of gourmet doggie biscuits.

This weekend, I was transported to Carter's house in a black Sherpa bag with wheels ($139 at Target; Bee's mom is the best!). It's like traveling like a true VIP—Bee doesn't have to throw her back out by carrying me on her shoulder; I don't have to spend 30 minutes squished diagonally in the bag.

But the weight limits on the large Sherpa bag is only up to 22 pounds.

I weigh 28 pounds.

While Bee tugged me four blocks from the subway to Carter's house, the bag smoothly rolled along the sidewalk, even skipping the ground in between the cracks. The bag itself was spacious and comfy, too. But then, we heard the scrape of the bag's nylon against the concrete. I thought it was because my belly made the middle of the bag sag.

No.

It was because I was so beyond the maximum wight limit for the bag, that one of the front wheels broke off from the stress.

And if that wasn't bad enough, another front wheel broke off on our way back to the
subway on our way home.

I'm tempted to declare myself on a diet as of right now. No carbs. No fats. No peanut butter until I lose five pounds. But frankly, I'm not the dieting type.

I'm going to celebrate my big-bonedness!

There's more of me to love!!! I am woman—more woman than ever—hear me roar!!

Besides, we know the real problem here. Bee needs to simply...buy me a bigger bag!

Another case for Brooklyn

Bee and I took a trip to Brooklyn yesterday to see our friend, Carter. I remember Carter from when she lived in Chicago, and I came to her house once during the holidays. I also remember getting yelled at because I made a smelly mess in her kitchen.

Ah, to be young again.

Anyway, Bee packed me in the Sherpa bag (which absolutely love though I am slightly too big for it. I just love traveling, so I scrunch down nice and low so I can fit inside) and we took an hour long train ride out to Prospect Park. And yet again, I fell in love with Brooklyn.

It just seems that every house we go to out here is the same size as our house, but with only ONE person living in it! That means if we moved out here, I would have all of this extra space to roam and only have to share the couch with Bee. Awesome.

There are also always margaritas, wine, and great smelling food at every Brooklyn home we visit. And somehow, the tables are lower in these Brooklyn homes, so I always get to sneak a piece of chicken here or there.

All the more reason we should move out here.

Oh no she didn't!

Why did my mother only paint two of her three toenails on each foot before she went to dinner?

Because she was running late, and her pedicure had not been refreshed since January. So she painted just the TWO TOES that would be visible in her black peep toe pumps.

In case you were wondering....yes, that is one of the tackiest things you've ever heard of.

My gifts just keep on coming!

Look what Bee's sis sent me from the Midwest Spa and Resort! I have the best extended family ever!
The note was even sweeter than my t-shirt!

"Miss Lucy,

Here's a cute shirt for you. Be a good girl, everyone here is sick. Hope your eye is feeling better.
Love ya,
W., M., B., X. and J. "

It doesn't get any better than that.

I miss you all too. Think about you every day. Love you tons. Me.

We really

must have disappeared this weekend. Bee's friends were calling her nonstop on Sunday to figure out what had happened to the two of us. Bee's mom even left us a message on our cell phone, something she absolutely hates doing.

Calling is not the problem. it's the "leave the message after the beep" that she doesn't have the patience for.

But not to fear, Bee and I were just tired and napping on the couch.

In other news, Bee had to get up particularly early for work this morning (meetings), so she took me out precisely at 7 A.M. for our walk. We went towards the park and ran into our friend AC. She has three dogs of different shapes and sizes, but the big, hairy Spaniel one is the one you gotta watch out for. He barks and gets nippy with me for no apparent reason other than he is jealous of my stunning beauty. It's like the boy at the playground who shows that he likes the little girl by pulling her pigtails (I've heard Bee describe a bunch of dudes in her life that way, so I'm assuming this is the same thing).

So we're walking around the park and headed back towards our respective apartments when all of a sudden I feel teeth pierce into my buttocks.

OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!! He bit me!!!!

I burst into tears! I can't believe this old coot had the nerve to bite me!

Bee was shocked, but AC immediately punished him. A smack on the nose and yelling was what he got, while I got sympathy kisses and extra treats when I got home.

Ha!

Smelling the goodies and licking one's face are acceptable behaviors. Next time, just express your feelings like a normal puppy.

Been sleeping

since Thursday afternoon. A girl gets tired after getting her flirt on at the dog run.

Whoa

The cops were in our apartment again!!!!

OMG!!!OMG!!!OMG!!!

Okay, I'm being overdramatic.

Last time they were here was because of that crazy blonde roommate Aye, who we had evicted because she threatened to kill our upstairs neighbors. The cops showed up the night she had a Holiday Party and got mad at the neighbors because they asked her to turn down the music.

Running upstairs screaming, "I will fucking kill you!" is not a way to make amends after you've disturbed others.

Anyway, today the cops showed up because Cee wasn't feeling well. Luckily, her good friend The Spainiard was here to help out. I'm liking him more and more. He's sweet, and he always gives me hugs when he comes to visit. I have no idea what's gong on between those two, but I like having him around.

More importantly, feel better, Cee. If I can provide theraputic cuddling on the couch, let me know.

Diet

Dear Bee,

That old Nature's Crap...I mean, Nature's Choice food you're feeding me? I. hate. it.
That Iams stuff that your sister fed me while I was at the Midwest Spa and Resort? Much better.
Buy some now, so I can resume my normal daily caloric intake. I'm dropping weight like a model before Fashion Week here.

Thanks,
Me