Tuesday

Tuesday, 11:07 PM

Bee--sitting on couch, watching Comedy Central.
Cee-in Houston, spreading psychological intel
Dee--cuddling with London Fling at his corporate apartment/hotel room
Ei--on way out to party.

Me--still full from all that beef and chicken on Saturday.

Cookoff!

MMM. The first 'cue of the season, the Summer Jump Off. And it was a doozy-- the most booze- and beef-filled party I've attended during my residency here. Instead of the monotonous play-by-play (door buzzes, people arrive, eating, drinking, talking, eating, drinking, drinking, drinking, eating, drinking, stumbling home) I'll rank key elements on a five-star scale:


Food: 4
Solid showing by O., Bee's guy friend, who cooked up some tasty beef and chicken kebos marinated in a garlic soy sauce and topped with basil; soy-and mayonnaise-marinated chicken sandwiches; and beef burgers topped with New York cheddar and romaine. I ate like a queen. I also was feeling bloated by 8 PM. Must have been all that soy.


Drink: 3
Beer. Wine. No special drinks. No martinis. Somewhat lazy. But there was good beer and wine, so I shouldn't complain. And why should I? it's not like I--BURP!--drank any....

Decor: 4
Bee and Dee's boyfriend-slash-sixth-roommate London Fling spent three hours cleaning, landscaping and arranging furniture before guests arrived. It's good to have a man about the house who can help with heavy lifting and replace high hanging lightbulbs. Loved the new tiki torches. Nice add, Bee.

Music: 3.5
Late start--Bee had to arrange proper party mix. A bit more hip-hop than I'd have liked, but Bee had to satisfy all partygoers. Couldn't blast Erick Morillo for five hours without a riot.



Ambiance: 3
People mingling. Bee dancing. Friends slurring their words around 9. Cool.
But there was NO making out, NO unauthorized sex on anybody's bed and NO inappropriate fondling under the table. You see this guy? He should have a pair of legs wrapped around his waist!! Or he should at least be reaching for a lady's bare knee in a dark corner of the patio! Instead he gingerly sips his Amstel light and makes polite conversation with guests.

What kind of Summer Jump Off was this supposed to be?!

I woulda thought sappy, Puppy Love-drunk London Fling and Dee would have snuck off downstairs for a quickie. But no....

The most action that went on was tipsy Bee's half-assed flirting with O's promoter friend Jey, who arrived late and seemed more interested in the chicken breast sandwiches than Bee's perky bosoms.

Granted, all had a good time, even though no one did anything scandalous and therefore produced no fodder for repeated mockery for months to come. But I knew I should have invited Louis, that Frenchie from down the street. Then at least one roommate could have bragged about all of the heavy petting that went down at the Summer Jump Off.

Pass the lighter fluid

Rumor has it we're about to have our first barbecue of the season.

I'm stoked--a barbecue means Bee's guests will feeds me hickory-smoked flavored meats abound. I get to frolic about the house like a kid in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.

Pass the corn on the cobb.

In other news, Cee, Ei and Bee are in their respective rooms in their respective pajamas, gearing up for the weekend shenanigans. Ei will be done with finals tomorrow, after which she will imbibe heavily at a pub nearest to campus. Then she will text message Bee to meet her, and Bee will say, " gotta go to (insert media industry event here)."

Dee is out with London Fling, soaking up the last second of privacy while holed away in his corporate apartment he's living in until Saturday.

Since I have no one to cuddle with (Bee is in bed already, which means I'm relegated to my area of pillows on the floor), I'm going to sleep.

The Arrival Part Deux

Could it be? Could it be that London Fling has given me back my Dee?

Dee and LF went apartment hunting this weekend (the sullen look on LF's face Saturday night led me to believe the hunt was not going well). But that Sunday, they were able to find a one bedroom in the East village in their price range! But,..it's not availabe until July 1.

So LF is moving in here, meaning Dee will stay with me for ONE MORE MONTH!!!!

YEAH!!!!!!!!!

This relationship is working out better than I expected. I knew they couldn't live without me.

The Arrival

Sigh.

London Fling has arrived. That means Dee is two suitcases away from moving in with him. Now my favorite auntie will never be here to cuddle with me on the couch, feed me human food, let me eat crap off of the street, and love me more than any of Bee's roommates ever did. She was the one who truly spoiled me. She was my sunshine in this cold, dark apartment on days when Bee wasn't here--hell, she was my sunshine even when Bee was here but in a bad mood. And now, that big bad boyfriend of hers is taking her away.

Although I'm happy that she found someone cool to hang with, I'm thoroughly depressed. She won't need me to make her smile. She won't be interested in my cute yet michevious antics. Now, I'm just a hairy afterthought. No longer needed for my comedic charm. London Fling, I hope you're happy. I certainly am not. Waaaaahhhhh.

Stomach

I must apologize for my lack of postings this week. I've been having severe stomach issues where all I do is let out stinky flatulence all day. It's really ripping a new hole in my round, black ass.

Adding to my own pain, the smell is becoming a pain in Bee's ass. She can't even have company over without me embarrassing her.

I'm sorry Mommy. Oh, yeah, Happy (poot!) Mother's Day!

Day of Rest

Bee and I finally got some downtime tonight. After running around like a maniac to party after party earlier this week, she finally crashed on the couch and dedicated some quality time to me.

Damn right.

Anyway, breaking news: Dee has to have braces. That's right, just a week before her London Fling comes here permanently to take residence in the US of A, she finds out she's going to be a metal mouth for a good nine months. The luck!

What's a thirty-year-old to do with braces? That shit's cool between the ages of oh, 13 and 15, but after that, no way. It's as if Dee was granted a VIP pass to Dweebville.

I'm mean. I shouldn't even talk--my bottom teeth came in all crooked, and I have this weird snaggletooth thing going whenever I get frustrated and clench my jaw.

Whatever. I'm sure Dee will look fine. But it's a good thing she already has a boyfriend--not sure how many New York men dig on the brace face.

Blind item guessing game part deux!

Which roommate needs to get braces to fix overcrowing? The perky pup never thought she'd be a thirtysomething brace face.....

Which roommate is considering making a guy get a battery of tests before sleeping with him? The gentleman knows his way around the bedroom, and has slept with nearly every FHM Hometown Honey since he broke up with his serious college girlfriend....

Which roommate has taken to making out with boys in front of their jealous girlfriends? Well, sort of girlfriend. Actually, a wannabe girlfriend....well , she made out with him anyway..........

Which roommate spent $200 at Victoria Secret's ths week, stocking up for the potetial Summer Share, Summer Booty season?

Crime

I was molested.

Yes, tonight, just outside of Washington Mutual and down the street form Carmine's, I was grabbed and fondled in plain sight.

A man, about 40 years old with grey hair and a bad sweater, and his companion, a tall, blonde, curly haired woman, made a boozy exit from AIX, and Upper West Side bar. And instead of pouring themselves into a cab so they could speed home and pour themselves all over each other in their bedroom, the male companion decides to pour himself all over me.

"THAT'S THE BEST DOG IN THE WORLD!!!!" he exclaims, startling Bee.

I hear whistles, and like a good doggie, I come when called. But I had no idea I would be pawed and kissed like a prostitute in Pretty Woman.

For a good five minutes, this strange man kissed me (on the mouth), rubbed my stomach, my toes, my butt (!), and talked to me in chirpy sweet nothings, while his companion and Bee looked on in complete awe.

"He always does this," she explained.

And he hasn't been arrested?!

I finally freed myself once a pack of Shih Tzus walked by and was able to cry out for help. They shimmied up to the man to divert his attention, while Bee and I ducked down the street.

Ugh. I need a shower.