Five things

That make me happy:

1.) Bee coming home before six. That means I get longer walks.
2.) Peanut butter.
3.) Louie--the cutest French Bulldog on the block. He's my fantasy boyfriend.
4.) Bee's shoes. Even though I don't get as much access as I should (and Bee thinks I get too much access already).
5.) Barbecue sauce. Betcha didn't know that.

Dr. F

Bee called the vet, the wonderful Dr. F about my lil' stomach problem. He said it was normal. He thought that perhaps a body of my stature needed a high fiber diet as opposed to a low fiber one, since the carrots seem to help my runs. But he said I should eat them along with normal dog food. If I don't clean up in a week, then I have to go back to the vet.

Argh.

Cee...does she still live here anymore? We never see her unless she is with the Boyfriend. She leaves only with him. She returns ONLY with him. It's as if she cannot exist in the house without him. I mean, should he start paying rent?

Contradiction of the day: Women who go on vacation with three dollars in their pockets.
Aye seemed to have fallen short and borrowed a few bucks from Bee until her checks cleared. She leaves for vacation tomorrow and didn't even have cab fare. My question-- should you be going on vacation? Will you have enough cash for bad airport food at LaGuardia? What about tipping the skycap at the curb? God forbid you buy souvenirs at a local gas station.

You probably should, uh, work, so that next time, you have some cash to spend.

Course, Bee is no better. She's often bought dog food over dinner and then says things like, "I needed to lose a few pounds anyway." And Dee? Well, Dee just buries her head in her room and disregards all financial responsibility. Easier that way. Cee? Well, that's what the boyfriend is for.

ugh

My STOMACH STILL HURTS!!! Dammit, Bee! What the hell are you feeding me? Get me off of that new-wave, crunchy herbal crap and put me back on the Science Diet!! Sheeet.

So funny story from yesterday's lazy hazy (and I mean that literally since Bee couldn't spell sober much less act like she was). We walked outside for our first walk of the day at 1 PM. Yep, one (crackhead). Bee throws on her dark, Jackie O sunglasses and green hoodie and walked outside, hoping she wouldn't see anyone.

But considering I gotsta go kick it with mah peeps, we knew it would be impossible for us to walk out without saying our usual hellos.

So we're able to escape to the end of the block and we're just about to turn around when all of a sudden Bee spots..dun dun DUN...the Neighbor. He was walking his dog on the opposite side of the street. I almost ran over to say hello, but I KNEW Bee would have let go of the leash and not bothered to chase after me, letting whatever stray dog or taxi cab run me over at a whim. I held my ground.

She threw him a half-assed wave, in part because she didn't care, the other part because she was so hungover she didn't have the energy to lift her arm any higher. He gave the nod. The exchange lasted three seconds. For Bee, she would have been happy with two.

When she returned to the house, Bee didn't even have the strength to swear his name to Aye, plopped on the couch watching the Yankees. She merely plopped on the opposite couch and asked Aye to pass the ibuprofen.

Yeup

Number of roommates who slept here last night: well, what counts as "night"? Is it before the sun came up? Then one roommate slept here last night. But two roommates somehow found their way into their beds this morning after clubbing through sunrise
Number of roommates who slept with someone else last night: one
Number of men that have spent the night in the apartment during the weekend: three
Number of men whose names will be remembered past this weekend: two
Number of bottles of Gatorade consumed over this weekend: five

Oh, wee!! The activity this weekend brought!! I never saw so much early morning bruhaha on the weekends, and not from people rising early to grab the paper. It's from people coming IN from the clubs and bars!! Good times! Welcome to fall.

I am especially proud of Dee's 1 PM arrival Saturday afternoon. Starbucks in one hand, food in another. She claims she doesn't know where she slept on Friday night.My question is: if you get completely obliterated to the point where you don't remember where you are, then your drunken activities--be it a one night stand that might or might not have happened, or simply passing out uninvited on a stranger's couch-- didn't really happen, since you can't prove otherwise, right?

Neglect

So it seems that Bee is TOO busy to play with me. She's too busy off partying with her friends and her boys and with stars. What the eff? I AM her only love, I am the ONE person that listens to her bullshit about not having a boyfriend and work and friends and THIS is the thanks I get!! Being left in a cage for ELEVEN HOURS!!!!

With NO WATER!!!!!!!

Let's get something straight , Bee. I NEED water for survival. Especially since my runs have seem to come back. Why the heck can't u at least tell that unemployed Aye to leave me a few ice cubes before she leaves for work around noon? Dang.

No wonder my ass is so cranky. Pass me one of those beers in the fridge.

Tummy tightening

Number of roommates sleeping here: four
Number of beers in the fridge: six
Number of barbecue grill on the premises: three (four if you count the George Foreman)
Number of times we've used the oldest grill on the premises: twice
Number of magazines on the coffee table: ten
Number of celebrity magazines: seven

My stomach seems to feel better since last week. Bee has to switch my food several times before she found this all natural stuff with no preservatives. Just chicken, sweet potatoes and corn. Yummy.

Bee ate something similar to that this evening, but it didn't come in the processed, slimy, grey colored form in which my meal was presented.

Pop quiz!!

Alright, it ain't the SATs, but you certainly would need to be paying sharp attention to the last month and a half of postings to pass. Let's begin:

1.) Aye's favorite activity is:
a.) shopping
b.) working
c.) watching Oprah
d.) swearing at the Yankees

2.) Bee's main goal in life is to:
a.) take care of me.......!!!
b.) take care of herself
c.) take care of her roommates
d.) take care of bid'ness...in the bedroom

3.) Dee loves all but which of the following things:
a.) reading trashy celebrity magazines that Bee brings home from work
b.) drooling over Christopher Meloni's sweaty pecs in repeats of Law and Order:SVU
c.) smoking pot with underage coeds whenever Bee hosts one of her infamous barbecues
d.) drinking heavily, then passing out on the front stoop

(I know, a toughie!)

4.) Who in the apartment owns the most amount of underwear?
a.) Aye
b.) Bee
c.) Cee
d.) Dee

Answer key:

1.) A is for sure correct, but if you guessed D, you were obviously at Dorrian's last October when the Yanks battled the Sox in a seven game stunner of a series. Potty mouthed Aye was so heated that the bouncer asked if she'd like a tranquilizer to get her to the bottom of the ninth.

2.) B and D are correct. In fact, on some days, they go hand in hand....ba dum BUM!!!!

3.) C. Yeah, I know. I though she would have been a bigger fan of Oz. Meloni was NAKED in that series.
(oh, that drinking and passing out thing, since last summer, she's learned to at least make it through the front door.)

4.) D. Acutally, this is an educated guess, based on the number of Victoria's Secret bags I've seen her come home with since she's lived here, and the number of times the London Fling has visited. I figure at least three pairs per visit, meaning at least 15 new pairs in 6 months, on top of the standard 21 pair stash of the average woman. But Aye could be a close second.

How'd you do? If you got fewer than half right, that means you should be visiting this here blog more often. I'll tell ya err'thang 'bout these broads!

Dee is back!!

YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!! Dee is back from the U.K.! Finally someone to cuddle with on the couch!! (Bee banned me from the couch months ago!). Someone to feed me people food!!! Good times are here again!!!

Dee said she had a fabulous time in Paris smoking in cafes with her London fling. Was quite expensive over there, so she didn't come back with a slew of bags filled with fabulous clothing and pointy shoes. Now she's thinking of moving. I don't blame her. Wonder if I could go with? I could always explain to Bee my yearning to live abroad and maybe Dee could take temporary custody.

Besides, I am a FRENCH bulldog. I need to go back to the motherland and familiarize myself with my people.

Funny girl

A woman walked up to Bee and I today and told us something pretty interesting:

The thirtysomething woman was walking a larger terrier of some sort, and of course I looked over to see if I could say hello.
The woman looks over at me , but doesn't stop to let her dog play with me. I am still persistent, and assume the crouch position, where I wait to pounce on a pup just when he thinks I'm not interested.

She says to Bee, "Don't be offended, he just doesn't like to play. He's like a New York man, just simply not interested."

The dog turned away from me. I then hopped towards the dog and got in his face and DEMANDED he pay attention to me. Didn't work.

"See? He's making her do all the work," the woman said, "just like a New York man."

He started to growl as tried to give him a kiss. "Awwwww, bugger don't do that!" the woman said. He speeded up and trotted away.

"He growls, but he won't hurt anybody," she said. "In fact, that is EXACTLY like a New York man."

Heh.

Day two

And my sugar daddies are nowhere to be found. BOTH of them have gone off to other jobs, and now just the scabs of the construction crew are left to play with me. WAAHHHHH!! They didn't even say good bye!!!!

Cee is back from New Orleans. Poor thing was almost too tired to say hello to me. Flew in last night , but her BF was right behind her. It's weird that she doesn't spend not one second here without him. Not one! The only time she is here with the roommates is if she is showering, or getting ready to meet him. Doesn't a girl want some quality time with herself? I know I do.

Aye is in California this week. Supposedly there's some work conference she's attending.
That's BULL. You KNOW that girl doesn't do enough work for her to discuss at some conference! And had the nerve to buy new clothes for said conference. Sheet.

Bee is still sleeping alone. I haven't seen one gentleman stay the night in the room since that one guy who was on that one reality TV show that tried to marry that one chick. Yeah, him. He was cute. Too big for me, but just right for Bee.

Dee is eloping with her London fling and moving to Paris. She has asked Bee to forward her mail and call her job to give notice.
She's listing her room on craigslist.org tomorrow.

Kidding. She'll be back Sunday. With a big ol' I-been-screwing-long-time smile on her face.

Foreman

has left me. Sub foreman told me that he got another gig at another site.
WWWWHHHAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to be depressed for days... excuse me while I weep in the corner of my crate.

My tummy hurts!

Number of roommates sleeping here: two
Number of roommates that put in a full day of work: one
Number of beers in the fridge: five
Number of bras Aye has scattered on her bedroom floor before the cleaning lady came this afternoon: three
Number of pounds Bee wants to lose before mid-October: five

Bee has to take me to the vet because I haven't been feeling well. Nothing agrees with me these days. It started Friday, and I've been making a mess ever since. It's not like I don't want to eat, I just process everything so quickly. So Bee is keeping me from other dogs until I get myself together.

Aye is getting ready for a business trip in California. Exactly what business I will never understand, because it's not like she has to actually DO anything. It's funny, she even bought new clothes for the week. Who's going to care what you're wearing if you have a job where you are required to leave the house at ELEVEN! C'mon, Aye, we know you're fronting. This trip is nothing more than a vacation with that guy you met at Brother Jimmy's except you're too ashamed to tell the roomies.

Heh.

Meanwhile, another roommate is volunteering in the Gulf. You tell me which business trip seems more legit.

Dee....oh Deeee....eeee. She's still in Paris shopping the Champs-E‰lysees. Drinking rich red wine by the Louvre.

Which means that worker bee, Bee, will be the only one in the house Tuesday through Thursday. Taking care of lil' ol me while I get through this stomach bug. She'll make a great mother.

Lazy Sunday

I met a new boy today. His name is Ralphie. He's a black Frenchie like me, but he's a year old. We made out on the corner today. Right in front of Bee and Ralphie's owners. There was such a strong bond, we couldn't help it.

Am I a slut?

Cee left for Houston today, Aye and Bee gave her a ton of clothes and toys to donate to the Hurricane victims. Now that they've cleaned out some stuff that could be put to better use, it gives me more room to roam.

I'm sure there's days Bee has thought about donating me, to give the residents some cheer and happiness while they're suffering, but I'm not sure the postage and shipping on me would be easy to work out.

My inner Cindy Crawford

Being a model is tougher than I thought. People tell you, "look here", "look there", "look up", "now sit!" Geez, it's enough they put me in a hot ass cashmere coat in a hot ass photographer's studio in a raggedy Chelsea walk up, but dang! I didn't even get a cup of water.

And I didn't like any of the other "models" there. All snobs. And they weren't even cute. Their stage mothers were even worse. "My dog doesn't like to play." Well, I don't WANT to play with your stinky mutt!

Anyway, Cee declared her and I "friends" today. She even came out to the patio to play with me this morning, with no prompting from Bee. Unbelievable! I guess this is what happens when you start peeing outside and not only people's bedsheets. Wonder what would happen if I stopped jumping on the couch?

Dee took off for Paris on Thursday to hang with her London fling. She's going to a wedding with him in some castle. Quite romantic. I'm sure she'll be grinning for days when she returns.

I have no idea where Aye went. Let's see, it's sunny and the temperature is above 65 degrees. My money is on the beach.

Been gone for a minute

Number of roommates sleeping here: two
Number of roommates on her way to Louisiana to help out the Red Cross in the rescue and recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina: one
Number of roommates on her way to a benefit to raise money for victims of Hurricane Katrina: one
Number of beers in the refrigerator: eight

This morning, Bee walked me around the block for a quickie before work. We saw the Foreman and his employees sitting outside, however Bee didn't walk me past their path. Instead we walked back to the park and came up from the same side so we didn't walk past them. Bee shuffled me into the house before I could say hello.

Oh NO SHE DIDN'T!! I demanded out.

So she took me back outside so I could say hello to my sugar daddy. Foreman was so happy to see me! Ah, the love. I sure know how to kill a half hour outside.

I also have my first photo shoot tomorrow. Bee got me into this catalogue for doggie pashminas with some company tomorrow afternoon. I'm not getting paid for my time, but I get all of the free pashmina that I want. My modeling career has to start somewhere, right?

Another Sugar Daddy moment

Okay, so this one wasn't as seducing as my ongoing relationship with the construction workers who work outside of the apartment, but Spencer's owner gave me a free treat today. One of those beef twisty thingies that I will end up chewing on for days!!! Tasty!!

Oh, I almost forgot...where is FOREMAN!!??!!

I felt a loss this morning because the Foreman was missing in action. He was not sitting on my stoop overseeing the fellas across the street. He must have had to take a day off because of his bad back. I actually missed him this morning. I liked how his manly yet buttery soft hands stroke my belly every morning. None of the other guys have hands like him.

MMMmm. I hope he makes it back tomorrow. I need some loving.

Guess I'll just take my frustrations out on this new beef chew.

Monday

Number of roommates sleeping here: one
Number of beers in fridge: ten
Number of glasses of wine Bee has had since the start of the holiday weekend: seven
Number of times Bee has said, "Detox must start now!": three

I love when Bee has the day off from work. Means I get to stretch my legs outside of that 6 by 5 cage she keeps me in all day. I like it in there. It's cozy and all, but I also like to be active during the day. It's how I keep my girlish figure.

Anyway, I am pushing Bee to take me to the park again for another doggie play date. I really want to see Clint again. I feel like he knows a lot of gossip about the other doggies that I'm not privy to yet. And his haircut was fabulous! I must find out who his groomer is.

Play on Playa

I would just like to point out that the nice Jewish boys who invited us to that barbecue on Thursday never called us! See, I KNEW Bee should have went to his place when we FIRST saw him.

She is so good at dropping the ball.

Last night I had a play date with the coolest pups in New York City. Bee takes me to a spot in Central Park where a group of women (and a few requisite boyfriends) take their doggies to run around and play in an enclosed area. I love it there. I get to frolick with all sorts of new faces, and meet some really cool humans who usually bring yummy treats.

Anyway, there was a new guy there that I think is the biggest pimp in the canine world. Clint, a two year old brown toy poodle who the humans nicknamed the Ron Jeremy of dogs. His hair was shaved except for his ears and head, and the area around his paws so it looked like he had on bellbottom pants. And since he was in heat, he sashayed around the group, humping one doggie booty after another. He tried to get a piece of me, but to be honest, he was more interested in the male dogs than the female ones. Could be perhaps be the John Blair of doggies?

There's also George a long-haired Dachshund, who was not particularly fond of me the last time I visited, however he seemed pretty friendly this go around. Believe he was n heat as well. I don't know what that's like because Bee tied my little tubes on July 4th.

Another French Bulldog, Max, also joined the fray. But he almost killed me when he was trying to feel on my ticklebitties. Now, I do like bigger doggies, just as Bee tends to prefer bigger, meatier men. But when big dogs suffocate me when they're on top, that's when I have to walk away.

Wonder if Bee employs the same personal policy?

Oh my gosh.

Stop the presses. Bee left the house after work today to hang out with boys.

Oh. my. gosh.

I don't mind being left alone if she's trying to find me a father. Of course, I'll always have my Sugar Daddies from outside. They played with me this morning for close to ten minutes. It's a wonder that the building across the street is even progressing.